Need some peace of mind

It has been a very turbulent month of March 2010 for me.

I just felt disturbed, out of control, lost and depressed – in both my career and my personal life.

Career wise – project is over, what do I do next? Do I stay in my comfort zone and continue to do something I’ve been doing for 10 freaking years, or do I move on to a new role which is honestly not very challenging but equally comfortable? I chose the latter. But all that took a turn when I was told that the department which I had intended to join will be dissolved in 3 years. Which means what I’m going to do now will not add value to my next next role. Which means whatever I do in this role will become futile. No promotion in sight for the next 5 years perhaps. This is disheartening. So I told my boss I want a job that has a clear career path. There are vacancies available, but I do not have the relevant experience – obviously. And because of that my next role is still uncertain until I go for few rounds of internal interviews. Until someone thinks I’m suitable. Or I’ll just move back to the role with no clear future. And this will drag on for a while. I hate the agony I have to go through until something concrete comes about. Talk about red tapes…

On the home front, things have not been rosy, to say the least. Accumulation of misunderstandings and miscommunications over the years has made me think real hard about what I really want. Or rather if married life is for me in the long term. How can two very different people live with the extreme differences for the next 50 years? It freaks me out to visualise our future together. Love alone is not enough to hold two persons together. Life is complicated. Both parties have to work very hard to make things work. And with the distraction and uncertainties looming in both our careers, the emotions are stirred further. Constant fights with no solutions. The emotional roller coaster is draining me…

This morning I came across an article titled “Science of Relationships” and the article ended with a phrase: “Happiness is nothing but cessation of mental agitation created by unfulfilled desires. Less desire equal less agitation. Be happy to do what you ought to do to the best of your ability, with love”. How appropriate. How timely. We often lose track of the simplest philosophies. Because life is stressful and most of the time we can’t even clear our minds to think and rationalise.

I went for yoga 4 times last week and I have never enjoyed my practice more. It’s in times like that that we realise yoga does help to calm our minds and distract us from all the unhappiness, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled expectations in the illusion (maya) we’re living in. If only we can remind ourselves more often the true meaning of our existence in this world.

I shall try my very best to remember this everyday and take life in stride. I can’t wait to get out of this painful phase. OM…