Need some peace of mind

It has been a very turbulent month of March 2010 for me.

I just felt disturbed, out of control, lost and depressed – in both my career and my personal life.

Career wise – project is over, what do I do next? Do I stay in my comfort zone and continue to do something I’ve been doing for 10 freaking years, or do I move on to a new role which is honestly not very challenging but equally comfortable? I chose the latter. But all that took a turn when I was told that the department which I had intended to join will be dissolved in 3 years. Which means what I’m going to do now will not add value to my next next role. Which means whatever I do in this role will become futile. No promotion in sight for the next 5 years perhaps. This is disheartening. So I told my boss I want a job that has a clear career path. There are vacancies available, but I do not have the relevant experience – obviously. And because of that my next role is still uncertain until I go for few rounds of internal interviews. Until someone thinks I’m suitable. Or I’ll just move back to the role with no clear future. And this will drag on for a while. I hate the agony I have to go through until something concrete comes about. Talk about red tapes…

On the home front, things have not been rosy, to say the least. Accumulation of misunderstandings and miscommunications over the years has made me think real hard about what I really want. Or rather if married life is for me in the long term. How can two very different people live with the extreme differences for the next 50 years? It freaks me out to visualise our future together. Love alone is not enough to hold two persons together. Life is complicated. Both parties have to work very hard to make things work. And with the distraction and uncertainties looming in both our careers, the emotions are stirred further. Constant fights with no solutions. The emotional roller coaster is draining me…

This morning I came across an article titled “Science of Relationships” and the article ended with a phrase: “Happiness is nothing but cessation of mental agitation created by unfulfilled desires. Less desire equal less agitation. Be happy to do what you ought to do to the best of your ability, with love”. How appropriate. How timely. We often lose track of the simplest philosophies. Because life is stressful and most of the time we can’t even clear our minds to think and rationalise.

I went for yoga 4 times last week and I have never enjoyed my practice more. It’s in times like that that we realise yoga does help to calm our minds and distract us from all the unhappiness, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled expectations in the illusion (maya) we’re living in. If only we can remind ourselves more often the true meaning of our existence in this world.

I shall try my very best to remember this everyday and take life in stride. I can’t wait to get out of this painful phase. OM…

Crazy over bread

I have been baking nothing but BREAD lately. Love the recipe, and managed to get some organic high protein and wholewheat flours to bake our daily healthy breakfast. This recipe is really easy and nice to eat, provided you make enough time to proof the dough.

Made some variations with the recipes and they were all G-R-E-A-T!! No wonder bread-baking is addictive. To the point where hubby is asking me to stop as he's getting sick of it haha...

With Italian herbs and olive oil
With black sesame and virgin coconut oil

OK, time to move on. Planning for egg tarts... stay tuned :)

(Un)Conditional Love

My love is definitely conditional. I ain’t no saint, and I cannot give my love without being treated with respect and, LOVE.

I just feel very disheartened whenever “friends” suddenly turn their backs at me and take me for granted. And I’m quite sure I’m not being sensitive. I just… GET IT… when you give me all the signs that you want to distant yourselves from me, for whatever reasons not known to me, I will stay away. Even though it means spending all my time all alone, I don’t mind. I just want my friendship, and love, to be appreciated and reciprocated.

Maybe it’s my problem. I’m not a good company. I suck at communicating. I’m a BITCH. But over the months I have been given the signs that I was slowly gaining acceptance into this cliquish group. I have no ulterior motives, I just wanted to be friends, and I really thought we could click… but apparently not.

And you know what, I am fine with that. I can be strong and move on. I GET IT.

And every time after such “betrayals” happened, I always regret giving my all unconditionally… as if I’m not old and seasoned enough to know that the world is ruled by impermanence? Still so gullible at such old age. And feel so disappointed every time it happens.

And this is NOT my PMS talking ;p

I’m convinced I’m a MAN…

I AM A MAN.

Both physically and psychologically.

My pigeon and monkey poses still suck, my hips is like ½ foot above the mat – after 4 years of yoga practice! Sigh. But somehow I have not much problems performing poses that require lots of arm strength – which explains my (almost) Madonna arms. Flexibility seems like a much bigger challenge for me than strength… It demoralises me to see all the ladies who are older than me going into a full monkey pose so effortlessly… what should I do to open my hips?? I know yoga advocates No Competition, but I’m competing with my own body, my own flexibility, so that I can become better… does that count? ;p

And someone with psychic ability read my numerology and concluded that I have a very strong character, like a sword, and I am actually a control freak 5-star general! This is definitely not what I thought I was. I definitely have lots of weak moments… I look strong (again, like a man!) on the outside but deep inside I need comfort and reassurance all the time. And I don’t think I’m a control freak – I always give in to make peace. But I guess the numbers don’t lie?

The only thing that differentiates me from a man is – PMS. Like now. Why oh why…